Hmmm?

After reading back through my blog, I realize that I am not really useing it for the reason I started it. It seems I am expressing myself through pictures and youtube videos...which is okay. I never write myself. I guess I will try to do that now?

I have been consuming myself in work latly. I think I have been in a weird state of mind latly, one that requires a lot of "distractions" - so focusing on work seems to be an appropriate thing to do. Besides that my life is pretty laid back. I hang out with friends while I can, although latly it seems less and less. I watch a lot of TV and movies, listen to a lot of music. I'm trying to get back into drawing again. Trying to try new things as much as I can too.

Yet, despite being busy a lot of the time, and having a good amount of friends to hang out with, I sorta feel like I am lacking close relationships as of now. I feel like I'm not really close with anyone, at least not consistently. While some people are fine with that, I feel like now more then ever I need close friends in my life. But if life has taught me anything, its that you can't always get what you want, so I have been making do with being lonely. Its almost like I am numb to it now. Living alone dosen't help it at all. Guess I just need to make more of an effort to hang out with people. Usually people associate loneiliness with the lack of a boyfriend, which I really don't. I mean I just miss haveing a rock in my life. Come to think about it I dunno if I ever have had a rock in my life. Bleh. My post seems so depressing.

Right now its about focusing. Honestly, I need to focus on myself for a bit. I get so wrapped up in other peoples livews I forget about my mine. I put efforts into relationships that I never get back what i give....so why even bother? Work is most important to me right now, as well as attempting to get some self esteem back. While it seems cheesy, the whole "learn to love yourself before loving anyone else" - its very true. This past year has been one of turmoil. While my intentions are nothing but good, I have gotten burned more times this year then ever before. Its time to recover and focus on getitng back up rather then staying down in the dumps about it. I can't keep over thinking why things happened the way they did....though its hard not to when you are a girl.

Perhaps i'll get a gym membership. That might help the exterior part of me...as for the interior...I have no idea.